2nd July 2024

 2nd July 2024

Yesterday, I realised my biggest fear was neither losing people I love nor snakes. My biggest fear is failure. As someone who had a smooth sailing schooling life, my academic world was a haywire when I decided to do STPM. If I could turn back time, I would go back to my highschool senior year where I would focus more on my studies than social media and kdramas. I could get straight A's and could've gotten a scholarship to my dream university. I spent almost two years studying physics major which I didn't excel but still chose because I wanted to choose the safer option. I was a STEM major back in highschool. I knew I wanted to study English Literature since I was 15 years old. Due to my indecisiveness I always ended up voicing my short term interests louder than what my heart has always wanted. That's a little story how I ended up doing STPM. 

    I will be completely honest, I didn't put much efforts to obtain decent results for my STPM because I felt defeated when my SPM results weren't good enough. I thought being naturally smart would be enough to get sufficient results to get into a university but my past terms results weren't near average. The more I try to fix myself to get better results, the more I defeated I was. As I am writing right now, a voice in my head is screaming that I should've have been more focused back then so your anxiety wouldn't be taking over you. I am also aware that it is too late to fix what once done and accept things as it is.

   A small example of how my fear of failure overtook me during the last exam:

    I started studying with fear to not mess up my final exam. I was listening to subliminals while studying hoping to get good results. I was always on edge during the entire exam period. 

    Well, I'll be getting my results tomorrow. Now, the voice inside my head saying I will not get the result that I want is getting louder. But, I am just going to hang onto the silver lining on clouds. I hope it is sufficient to get into a university. I'm not sure what I'll do if my results aren't good as I expected.